The Best Way To Get What You Want Is To Know What You DON’T Want!
It’s hard to let go of good people, especially when they look good, the sex is great, and you have a lot in common. But if you want to improve your odds of finding “The One” you have to change your approach to dating. How do you do that? Simple, focus on your objective and understand that dating is a process of elimination.
Typically, people start their search for a partner with a mental list of everything they want. For example, people typically want love, respect, marriage, someone who’s God-fearing, family-oriented, etc. But going into the dating game with the mindset is a recipe for disaster! And I can say that with confidence because that’s how 90% of us approach new relationships and look at the results. A 50% divorce rate and the vast majority of new relationships ending within the first year, if not sooner.
When you meet someone and establish that you’re both interested and available it’s natural to begin finding commonality and to ignore all the things that are in conflict. To say, I want to be in love, doesn’t really speak to how you want to be loved, how you define love, or how you expect your love to be reciprocated.
However, if we enter into these ‘relationship agreements’, which is what they truly are, it’s important to be specific about what’s unacceptable and where your boundaries lay. It’s human nature to try to live in the grey areas where there’s no accountability, men are exceptionally good at that. We’ll say I want to be in a relationship but we’re unclear about whether it’s exclusive. Likewise, women will say, I want you to be my man but she’s unclear that she expects the relationships to be monogamous or to lead to marriage. People are afraid to be straight up in the beginning because they don’t want to lose that person. But that’s the whole point…to eliminate people who don’t want what you want!
However, when the conversation begins with what you don’t want, people take you seriously! And why is that, because it projects that you don’t have time for bullshit! On the other hand, when someone starts out with a list of what they want and expect, it’s easy to think to yourself, whatever, I’ll play along until I get what I want. Besides, having a laundry list of what you want in seen as desperation, not strength.
Again, start with what you don’t want to accomplish three things all at once, it demonstrates clarity about what you want, what you are unwilling to put up with, and it prevents people from floating off on emotionally and thinking they’re going to change your mind. Just to give you an example, when I meet a woman, I tell her straight up, from day one, I don’t want to be married, I don’t want more children, I don’t need to live together, and I don’t promise monogamy. Does that mean none of those things are possible, of course not, but you have to remove people’s expectations and give them a choice to be down or not based on where you are today!
Knowing what you don’t want is the best start possible. It removes the romantic fantasy we’ve been programmed to expect and gets you straight to the reality of who that person is and where they stand at that point in their lives. But the most important benefit in communicating what you don’t want is that nobody’s time is wasted, and you can move forward or go your separate ways with mutual respect. And what’s cooler than that?
Written By Michael Baisden
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