“Til death do us part” can be quite a goal in a marriage. Even in non-marital relationships some people expect that when they find “true love” it will last forever. But is it healthy or even rational to expect anything to last forever?
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not implying that love can’t last, some couples love each other intensely until the day they die. My question is, should it be an expectation?
I have personally seen the harm that is caused by people believing that unless their relationships, marriages and love last forever it’s a miserable failure. To be more specific, ‘they’ are miserable failures.
As a result, people often stay longer then they should put up with unhappiness, dream killing spouses and even abuse just to live up to this ideal of eternal love.
I can’t think of a single thing that I love doing so much that I want to do it forever! Hell, I don’t even want to stay on vacation forever! At some point I want to go someplace different… or go home.
The same is true of love and relationships; sometimes you have to change it up. That could mean reinventing your relationship, changing partners, or just being alone. But no one should feel obligated to stay forever just to live up to someone else’s standards or guidelines.
And that goes for family, church, or even your partner putting you on a guilt trip. I prefer vows that say, “Until we stop getting along or stop growing together.” That’s healthier and more realistic, don’t you think?
But the biggest problem with this ideal of love lasting forever is that people confuse loving someone forever with staying forever.
There’s a big difference! Understanding that difference is the key to creating happiness. Yes, you should stay forever if you’re fulfilled and if you’re evolving as a couple.
You should stay forever if your dreams are being supported and you feel respected. And maybe you should stay forever if you have complete honesty and transparency.
But don’t stay when the passion is gone, and you’re being taken for granted. And don’t you dare stay forever when you start feeling lonely in your relationship and your partner either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. When that happens, you may as well start packing because you’re already single, and it shouldn’t take you forever to come to that realization. ~ Michael Baisden
Excerpt from my book, Woman Up.
Start Looking For Partners Instead Of Projects! By Michael Baisden
When your fiancé cheated on you before the wedding, not once but twice, did you think that getting married would transform him into being faithful?
Listen, folks, having a wedding ceremony won’t change your partner into a better person or into someone else! This idea that reciting vows in front of your family, friends, and in the presence of God Almighty will make your relationship better is nothing but a fantasy.
If he or she was annoying, disrespectful, abusive, dishonest, and irresponsible before the wedding, they’ll be annoying, disrespectful, abusive, dishonest, and irresponsible after the wedding. What you see is what you get!
How many of you remember the old newspaper cartoon called “Love Is”? Each day there was a different expression of the word love. For example, Love is … never having to say I’m sorry! Or Love is … taking one day at a time. Get it? But the one “Love Is” cartoon that everyone needs to read is, Love is … acceptance.
If you’re seriously considering getting married or being in a committed relationship, you’d better cut and paste this on your wall. If you don’t accept a person for who they are, then that’s not love, that’s delusion! And so is the idea that loving someone hard enough will change them!
But the truth is you can’t change people just by loving them. Love may be a powerful thing but it’s not magic! You can’t just wave your overwhelming love over someone’s head, and they miraculously change into Mr. or Mrs. Right.
When you’re desperate to be married, many people will settle for a project instead of a partner. In their minds, if they could just fix one, or two, or maybe three things, that person would make the perfect half of a super couple. I call it the “Fix-A-Dude” or “Fix-A-Chick” syndrome.
We throw around the word “Love” too easily, and we give our love away too freely. People are so desperate to be happy that they are quick to jump at the word love, the emotions of love, the magic of love, just for the sake of escaping being alone!
We want to be happy now! And what’s the fastest and easiest way to find happiness, to fall in love, or to believe in love at first sight? We crave love because it gives us a high, like a drug … it’s a quick fix! We are programmed by Hollywood to be swept off our feet and live happily ever after.
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but that’s not reality. Reality is waking up every day, paying bills, getting the kids off to school, doing homework, making mistakes, getting on each other’s nerves, compromising, fighting, making up, and getting up the next day and starting all over again.
And you do it with a person you love for who they are, not for what you secretly desire them to be. That’s what a real relationship is about. That doesn’t sound sexy, does it? And it sure as hell doesn’t sound easy!
Relationships are work. Strong relationships take time to build. Relationships are about being real about who you are and being happy with who your partner is as a person without conditions. And in relationships, you don’t always get your way; it’s called compromise, and it ain’t easy!
But I promise you this, if you go into it with your eyes open and remove the rose-colored glasses, you’ll have a much better chance at “happily ever after” or, at the very least, “peacefully ever after,” and what’s more valuable than that?
Michael Baisden
Excerpt from my book, Raise Your Hand If You Have Issues
