Please stop with the Fix-A-Chick and Fix-A-Dude Mentality. It doesn’t work! The responses I received to this Facebook post were entertaining and enlightening. I could have written another chapter of my book just responding to some of these incredible feedback.
Lynette wrote: Insecure people will destroy themselves and the relationship in the process. Because their feet are grounded in fear so they kill possibilities!
Kevin wrote: From my experience when in a relationship with someone that’s insecure the relationship suffers tremendously. That deeper level of love is never attained because one resents the other for the insecure acts such as jealousy, lack of self-confidence, etc.
Tammy wrote: Insecurity is like a cancer that can spread to all other aspects of a person’s emotional stability. And inadvertently into any relationships they hold. There can be very little trust, honesty, or real com-mun–ication. All core components to a successful relationship are destroyed because the other person walks on eggshells for fear of hurting the insecure person.
Robert wrote: An insecure person will never feel loved no matter what you do or say. They will constantly question your sincerity, loyalty, and genuine love because they don’t love themselves.
Tea wrote: Insecurity is a direct result of immaturity of one of the partners in a relationship, married or not, brought on by some life event such as cheating, poor financial management, secrets and lies. Men and women need to be honest with themselves (even if this means getting counseling), come clean to his or her life partner about the feelings, develop a plan of action, implement that plan and deal with the results (even if this means leaving the relationship).
Melina wrote: I was just dumped by a man who accused me of being a liar and cheater, which I am not. His take is: I have too many men texting me and I am too friendly to those around me. I am actually a business banker and a Chair of a professional association. The men who text me are usually clients, prospects, or colleagues asking about anything they can come up with!!!! I breathed, ate, dreamt of my man and no one else… His insecurities took the best of him.
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In Melina’s situation, I believe she already knew her relationship with this man didn’t stand a chance. I know it hurts to lose someone you love, but his issues had nothing to do with her. It’s the things that people know deep down about themselves that make them insecure; it usually has nothing to do with the other person. His leaving was his way of communicating to her that he was not willing or able to deal with his issues. Receive it that way!
Do You Have Room For A Relationship?
I have a confession; I’m a neat freak. My refrigerator is impeccably organized with fruits and vegetables in the bottom produce drawer—apples, lettuce and spinach in the middle, and onions, tomatoes, and peppers always go in the top drawer.
And when it comes to my closet I’m even more particular. All my dress shirts are placed on the left side, casual shirts and jeans on the right, and suits in the center. And all the pants must be hung belt side to the left and the hangers must be turned in the same direction. That’s just how I roll!
I know this sounds a bit OCD and maybe it is, but here’s my point, the principles of attracting and maintaining quality relationships is no different than organizing your fridge and closet. You have to take inventory of what you have in order to know what you need.
The decision to invite someone into your life should begin with making sure you have space. I mean that literally. If you’re dating and having sex with men who aren’t defined, you’re taking up space, meaning, if they aren’t boyfriends and there are no plans to move towards anything significant, then how do you know what you’re shopping for when you meet someone new? That’s like being in a dating Twilight Zone.
I don’t know about you, but when I go shopping, whether it’s at the grocery store or the mall, I have a mental list of everything I need. And since my closet and refrigerator are organized, I can see what’s half full and what needs to be replaced.
In other words, I only shop for essentials. You should have the same attitude towards dating. But how can you do that when you’re involved with people who have no clear purpose, no clear definition and no clear intention. They can drop in or out of your life at any time. I label them as miscellaneous dates.
These are the people we allow to clutter up our lives and block anything significant from coming in. Good men who are looking for a real relationship do all the right things only to have the situation blow up in their faces. And it’s not their lack of honesty, fear of commitment, or financial situation. Sometimes women are not ready for the relationship they claim to want so badly.
A house is not a home until everything fits into it perfectly. The same principle applies if you’re serious about attracting and maintaining healthy relationships. Too often woman meet good men and wonder why it didn’t work out.
The truth is they don’t fit into your life because you have too much junk in it. You have too many friends, too much work, too many unresolved issues, too many sex partners, and too much hostility towards your ex. Being emotionally available is just as important as showing up for the date on time. You’re either there or you’re not. There can be no half-stepping.
Having space also means literally—having space in your closet, in your refrigerator, and in your bed. Hell, some of you don’t have enough drawer space for a man to leave a pair of draws. Making space for someone to love shouldn’t happen after you meet, it should happen before. So, start clearing out your old stuff in your closet, old friends on social media, old contacts on your mobile phone, people in general who don’t enhance you, and exes who are blocking you emotionally and sexually…anything that is inconsistent with your goals.