Why are so many black women single? Part II

By now surly everybody has seen the YouTube segment from ABC's Nightline discussing the issue of single successful lonely black women. In recent weeks, discussing this issue seems to be the hot topic. What's really going on with the "BG's" = Black Girls?

Over 70% of all African-American women don't have husbands. That is a tragedy for the entire family, especially the children. The joint social trauma inflicted by a poor educational system, mass incarceration and massive unemployment among black men has come together to create an unsustainable set of social outcomes. That's not to mention the black men who've either chosen to date other men or can't see the beauty of black women.

To obtain a good mate, you must learn how to be a good mate and how to choose a good mate. The idea is that in order to get what you want, you must learn how to give what others want. But you can't effectively give to others if you're only thinking about yourself.

Is there a fear that causes some women to make hasty decisions like staying in unfulfilling relationships that lead to unsuccessful marriages, which end in divorce? Or just the opposite - Are women become so fearful of making the wrong choice, they find themselves surrounded by a moat with no bridge to their final destination. . . Marriage!

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Comment by Infamous Brother Sum on July 12, 2010 at 1:22pm
LOL. That so funny. One there will always be more women then men. So everybody's not going to married. Two
who really wants to married they have a 50% failure rate and the other 50% is plagued by infidelity, that a 25% success rate. Then on the basis that white men are better?GTFOH White men are just as horrid as black men don't you watch the news. I say meet people and enjoy life when the moment happens it happens, cause when looking for gold you can always get fooled. I could never answer the question myself, I'm not a black woman.
Comment by Beautiful Black Woman on July 11, 2010 at 3:33pm
Today most men have been babied by ther mother's..There mother's catter to them so much they think the woman they meet is surpose to do the same thing..When I came up..my grandmother raised me..she made sur that my brother and I would not need no one to survive.We cooked ,cleaned,washed clothes,and knew how to iron. I see it in the men that came up with me they just don't want to be independent and self-surffient. They are lazy, and want everything handed to them. They wasn't taught how to be men. If a woman allows a man to lay around and do nothing ..then that's what he will do absolutely NOTHING.
Comment by Sasha on July 9, 2010 at 11:08am
Well said Darnell, and I agree with you 100%
Comment by Sasha on July 9, 2010 at 11:07am
Mr. Robert McMillian made some good points. Black women in most cases are more ‘hung up’ on spending the rest of their lives with a successful, educated and well to do black man, that they tend to over look either good black men who may not meet that ‘successful’ criteria, or white men (men of any other ethnic origin) who meet these requirements (and are interested in them) because they’re not black. I know a few sistas off the top of my head who refuse to date a man who’s not black; and will be ready to curse you out if you even thinking about mentioning stepping outside their race to find a suitable mate to them. I personally got over that stigma a long time ago. And I do date men who’re not African American. To be honest, I tend to have more fun with some of them than I do the hand full of African American men I’ve given the time of day.
But I too am very sick and tired of these blogs that constantly harp on these 70% of black women are single statics. People have taken these numbers and just ran the s*** into the ground (broke the wheels off this machine) for the sake of being able to find any and everything wrong with black women. And what adds insult to injury is the fact that black men jump right on the band wagon and join in; because they’ve had issues with finding and keeping company with a decent black woman ; but honestly, who’s fault is that?
It has nothing to do with being able to ‘get and keep’ a man much less find one because plenty of black women are able to ‘find’ a man. It’s just that most of us are very careful in whom we chose to ‘find’ and attempt to keep. And I wish people would stop trying to throw not having a man in the face of any single woman they confront when they feel they have an issue with who she is. A man is not the answer to every dam problem a woman has. Sometimes the men some women chose are their problem; because they’re settling for anybody in order to be able to say they have someone. So this way when people come back with that ‘that’s why you don’t have a man’ cut down she somehow feels like she’s excluded from that insult.
Please, get over it people!!

Any woman can have ‘A MAN’; hell we can throw a rock in the middle of the street and hit a man that would be willing to come and lay up in the bed, spend all our money and mooch off of us. But when you talk about being in a relationship with A MAN, you want to be with a man who knows how to be a man (meaning he’s honorable, respectful, faithful, trustworthy, level-headed and humble) and can teach a son how to be a man (because it takes a man to raise a man). So there’s a difference in having a man in the physical and having a man in the mental. And when people figure this out they’ll stop harping on baseless ‘statistical’ findings of single black women. People who keep bring up those numbers, can’t tell you (the save their lives) who did the study, who all was queried and if they counted each and every African American woman that inhabits North America alone. SO we really need to let go of that mess; because it doesn’t include the young women who’re just dating but not serious, in relationships but not married (engaged) or even the black women who’re in same sex relationships. Spouting off stat’s that someone else told you doesn’t make the ish ‘right’ (just because it sounds justifiable) without taking into account all the factors that play a major part in the marital status of most black women (black women serving in the military on deployment or black women who chose not to be married and don’t see themselves staying in a committed relationship with one man) . Not every woman wants to be married with kids hanging off their hip. I personally don’t see myself as being a mother. I prefer to be single, but I do want a mate to spend my life with. But; when it’s time for me to find him, he’ll find me. Until then, I’ll keep living life and ‘doing me’ (traveling, meeting people, seeing the world and enjoying being alive). Having a man doesn’t define me; how I see life and myself defines who I am, and how I live.
Comment by Darnell - darnellsmith.com on June 28, 2010 at 10:01am

People worry too much about what color is doing what. The reason why Black women are single is because Black women will not look outside the black color to find a soul mate. With all these men of different colors out in the world, there is no reason why a woman of any color can't find a good man.
Open your mind Black ladies and let that man of any color steal your heart and make you very happy.

Just my 2 cents
Comment by Logic on June 26, 2010 at 3:54pm
Matters2me and butterflycovergirl both bring up good points - as compared to other "races", black men in the U.S. have the highest % of unemployment rate and on top of that, the highest % of incarceration. These numbers alone automatically make black women the highest % in singleness.

I believe also because of the relative scarcity of employed and nonincerated black men, some sistas have developed a superindependent-idon'tneedaman mentality to cope with being single. When a compatible man comes their way, they find it hard to share the responsibilities and allow a man to be a man since they've had to "be their own man" for so long,and they have a support group of other single sistas to keep reenforcing that mentality. The man eventually will leave and go were he's needed.
On the flipside, a lotta single brothas still maintain that "boy" mentality, into their 30's & 40's, being a playa (its an ego trip) and not getting serious about finding a wife and settling down. They can do this because gettin some butt is so easy now, they can maintain that "boy" status. Imagine if ALL the sistas said let's wait awhile and get to know each other before we get intimate. Them "boys" would be forced to grow up. My 2 cents
Comment by author elaine flowers on June 18, 2010 at 3:01pm
Matter2me brings up an interesting thought. Do black men even care that so many black women are single? Are there any black men who lose some sleep at night behind this mind-boggling fact? Do they care what will happen 50 years from now when the black family has completely broken down? ...I'm just curious.
Comment by Matters2me on June 18, 2010 at 5:53am
I can and will only speak for myself. I really don't know! Seeing there are varying view points, subjective to the varying circumstances. How can anyone tell a woman why she is alone, not married, or cannot keep a man. I have had my share of relationships, and I have also been married. The men have always told me. "It is not YOU" " Its Me".. and, Hell some of them, most of them actually, I had to tell, "It's not Me, It's YOU!!!!!! I have a question. Why is it anyone's business? Why does society, no better yet. Men, care that there are a large number of unmarried black women? Are the individuals taking these surveys, aware, over 51% of the male prison population is comprised of African American Men. 51% African American Men. Daddy's Husband's Son's. Yet the focus is on why can't African American Women keep a man. There always have to be something wrong with the woman. There is. They keep locking up our men. The Government complaint's are predicated on money. Society is tired of baring the cost of fatherless children. Where is the survey on White Women. I have not seen a survey involving why White women are single? May I please provide my opinion? White women have more choices to the available black men. White Women are more tolerant, for the sake of having a man, White Women's Husband's Brothers's Son's are arresting, charging, and sentencing, the remainder of the available black men. Furthermore, you would really need to address the 70% of African American men who, decided to leave. To have a better perspective of why 70% of African American Women are single.
Comment by Brenda Johnson- Webb on June 16, 2010 at 11:25pm
I have been reading this new book called The Power of the V. (Vagina), and it states why we women does not have a man. It is because we are looking for a man, and it says in the bible that when a man finds a woman, he finds a good thing. I have been divorced for 18 years now, and been wanting to be re-married for years, to no avail. At least not to the man I wanted. After reading this book, I have committed myself to wait on my husband now. Let him find me, then I know him.
Comment by Princess Howard on June 14, 2010 at 11:41pm
Black women have been dealt a very difficult hand. There's such a high rate of single black women because black men seem to value the women of all of the other races and not of their own race. Yes! Black women are independent and very verbal, but for decades we have been put in this position by our black men. The black woman has been systematically broken down by men from birth. We all know that the first love for a female child comes from their father, but the fathers are not around to give their babies that love and guidance needed to help set the standards for the children.


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