Childless Single to Single Parents: The REAL Reason We Have Difficulty Dating You...and your kids...and your baby mama/daddy!

Through all of the blogs and articles I have read, I see a common thread regarding women who do not want to date men with children or vice-versa: They are depicted as selfish w/insecurities, jealous, or immature. AS A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT DESIRE TO DATE MEN WITH CHILDREN, I need to say a few things that people in these situations fail to acknowledge:

1) Marriage is not the wedding, the flowers, the dresses, etc. Marriage is when 2 souls are joined as 1, which creates a "soul-tie." A soul-tie is created though S-E-X. Once a child is born, the soul-tie becomes flesh - a representation of a marriage between 1 man and 1 woman.

Of course, there are ways to purge oneself from soul-ties, if you are spiritual, however, once the soul-tie becomes flesh, it cannot be purged unless it becomes MURDER. Therefore, the reason these type of relationships struggle to work is because it is the attempt to blend a monogamous relationship with a polygamist situation, which is when a man marries more than 1 woman and they HAVE CHILDREN together. Let's face it, American culture does NOT prepare women OR men to accept this in their Judeo-Christian, Anti-Islamic world. Polygamy is illegal in America so how or better yet WHY should a woman/man just suck it up and accept a polygamist situation? NO ONE TALKS ABOUT THIS! Our culture teaches us that marriage is the wedding and not the intimate encounter (sex) that spiritually binds the marriage. Read up on divorce and the question of, "Was this marriage consummated?" Subconsciously, it is the distraction of the soul-tie that turns people without children off from dating single parents. We are not a polygamist society, but yet, we are expected to accept polygamist situations?! This is just an alternative view to the madness.

2) Ex-husbands and baby daddies are two totally different characters and deserve separate attention. However, #1 relates to them both, spiritually, which is really the root to the problem. It appears more respect is given to ex-husbands because at least they tried to make an OFFICIAL commitment. Their children are not here because of a "shackin-up" or "trapping" situation. Baby daddies are just that....someone's baby's daddy. I don't want to have my own baby daddy, so why should I (or any woman/man) want to have ANYTHING to do with another person's soul-tie? It's a distraction and the new relationship does not get the opportunity it deserves. As some will say, “Love creates babies and I am pro-life!” So, how can one focus on a new relationship when they already created a “love-life” with someone else - which was suppose to be for us, the prospective soul-mate AND spouse? Therefore, you are already bound in “love” with someone other than your spouse and soul-mate. How can you expect to find a soul-mate when you are already connected to an illegitimate soul-tie that cannot be destroyed?! Can we look at the REAL problems verses talking about how immature men and women are who are just reacting to what is problematic spiritually?

The point is, the world changes when 2 individuals choose to have a child. Things get difficult when you add more people to the "tie." Based on your religious background, when you have a child, the intention was for you and your partner to be together and nurture that soul-tie in flesh TOGETHER, ‘til death breaks you apart. Period. Sorry, you should have thought about that before you got married or became a baby daddy. This situation is not for OUTSIDERS that are not connected to you and I’m tired of people acting like it AUTOMATICALLY or GRADUALLY is. We, outsiders, are taught through YOUR single parenting articles/blogs that, we as “steps” or prospective “steps” will not have any say in what you do (ha, and you want to be MY spouse?), what the child does (so, he/she can call me a B**** and I can’t even put them in “time-out” and GOD FORBID spank that a**) , nor the baby mama/daddy (who thinks they are superior because they had your baby or created your baby OUT-OF-WEDLOCK, first….ha, any animal can have offspring, it’s how well YOU prepare for them and the situations YOU put the offspring in that matters).

As a side note, I’m tired of women/men acting CRAZY because they had YOUR PARTNER’S baby, first. Honestly, I’m tired of being a never married childless, single woman who baby daddies see as a great woman for them, but expects me to be understanding, accepting, patient, and available to become a “step mom” or “second wife” or “second-best” (however you put it, the title sucks) because I decided to get my education, graduate from high school AND college AND pursue grad studies, etc. AND didn’t have a baby as an irresponsible, young buck, still living in my family’s house. Perhaps, if these men did the same thing as I did, they wouldn’t be in this predicament…just maybe??? Ya know, it’s like a penalty for wanting to be a progressive woman…..get your education and an exceptional job to PROVIDE for your 21st century family, but in regards to your love life….get ready to be a step mom and deal with baby mama drama! Just the thought p***** me off. I digress. But to you women who did not do as many of our progressive sistas are doing, such as wanting to do more than be “barefoot and pregnant,” or keep a man, SURELY….there’s nothing cute about being FIRST and BROKE and SEXY and GHETTO and UNEMPLOYED and UNEDUCATED and LIVING ON SECTION 8 and STRUNG OUT and BEGGING FOR CHILD SUPPORT and…..and…….and……needless to say, I’m glad I’m not you and if you want to hold your head up high for being just that , take your sorry a** baby daddy off the market and marry your baby daddy (there are resources online to show you how) because I don’t want him nor your ghetto a** in my life. I planned for MY future, didn’t you?!

Besides, you and that person will ALWAYS have that soul-tie so the best thing for people in this situation to do is fix the situation with the other half of their soul-tie and not judge or belittle people who don't want to have anything to do with it. Perhaps, don’t date at all until the soul-ties are grown and possibly making their own soul-ties. I know that sounds messed up, but if you can't fix the situation with the other half, find others who also have flesh soul-ties (children) and perhaps you can make it work. It needs to be ACCEPTED and STRESSED that many childless singles want (and should want) to create a new family and not deal with the stress and drama of your soul-tie(s). We waited and want our OWN children!

In my opinion, if you already have a flesh soul-tie, you are not eligible to be a soul-mate to anyone outside of that circle. Read #1. I know, you’re probably looking at your baby mama or daddy in a different light now….yes…reconciliation - if they are still alive and haven’t attempted to drown another childless single into this pit. If reconciliation is definitely not an option, at least, consider what I am saying “spiritually” and YOU begin to have understanding and patience when wanting to deal with a childless single. Again, we planned for OUR future, didn’t you?!?! Everything is not about YOU and YOUR baby and if it is….LEAVE US CHILDLESSS SINGLES ALONE!

3) The more you tell us we are not a priority (or better yet the infamous “My child comes first“), the more we don’t want to do s*** for or with YOU and this has nothing to do with the child or the FACT that you have a child, but your communication skills. If anyone ASKS you to put them before your child, they are dumb, but most times we childless singles hear/see this statement as a precaution and disclaimer, it seems. That is a HUGE, MAJOR, GRAND turn-off and how dumb of you to keep drilling in a person’s head, “The sky is blue?” But since many of you do….Next time you want sex or need money, call YOUR child! Wow, why would I say that? Well, when you make YOUR disclaimer, it’s like you are belittling the little things childless singles can offer (that your lil bundle of joy obviously cannot) by ignorantly creating a “ranking system”…..you, single parents, created this “ranking system” so don’t get upset when we get offended from hearing it. It doesn’t sound right to the other person and frankly, it’s a dumb a** statement because if you were sick and not well enough to care for yourself or take care of your needs as a biological human, who would take care of the child in your absence? That’s the problem, single parents are so keen on so-called putting their child first that they sometimes put other things like health, finances, or anything/anyone contributing to their positive well-being, etc. on the back burner. Without those things, without taking care of YOU, how can you possibly put the child, first?! The child came from you….you were in the land of the living, first. Can you take care of a child while you are sick and registered in a ICU unit at a hospital, buried in a grave in the cemetery, or locked-up behind bars? YOUR well-being and positive approach to life comes FIRST so that you can PROPERLY care for the child -- who in actuality is SECOND or perhaps THIRD if you are religious and put your Creator, first. Now, do you see how stupid your “ranking system” sounds to us? We get it…“The sky is Blue.”

4) Which bring me to my final point…..Some people actually have a vision for their future. Although the divorce rates projected in America are at 50%, most of the people I KNOW with children (and who want to date ME) were never married, but simply had sex with people (who they did not love from the start or got trapped by some woman’s “needy” love) and now a child is here. To set the record straight, if a person is in their mid-20s, 30s or 40s, unmarried, and does not have children, LIKE MYSELF, it is often expressed how they respected their future partner as well as their future child/ren enough to WAIT (by any means necessary…take that how you want to) and not make them have to deal with the B.S. that comes with these situations. Would you want to be with me if I constantly had to see and deal with my ex? NO…and I have some FINE ones, too! Oh, did you say, “But, it’s for the sake of the child?” Well, please re-read #2 in its entirety.

Childless, Single Men and Women desire and deserve to be happy too. It's just unfortunate so many childless singles have made decisions to marry and become divorce or never married parents without a plan producing unplanned children. Society is trying to sell this "blended family" diversion, but where is the nuclear family? There must be some hope for US somewhere! Divorce should not be a wake-up call to accept “Instant Families,” but a prompt to evaluate male-female relationships in America. America has a lot of dirty laundry and if we would take time to clean our s***, we could fix our cultural and national issues.

Also, per other blogs I have read on this subject...the statement about women who "hold out for a man with no kids" should not be confused with why she is single. People with children are NOT single....they are an individual component of a already made family (a soul-tie). So, why are they concerning themselves with childless singles anyway, they are not single. Read #1 again. I digress.

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Tags: baby, daddy, dating, drama, kids, mama, men, parent, single, women

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Comment by Denise Woodard on March 24, 2010 at 10:51pm
NO I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOUR REASONING AND I WISH MORE WOMEN AND GIRLS WOULD THINK LIKE YOU. I DO FIND HUMOR, BUT, I AM MORE PLEASED TO KNOW THAT AT YOUR AGE IN THIS DAY AND TIME YOU HAVE VERY MATURE THOUGHTS. I CAN RELATE BECAUSE I WANTED THE PICKET FENCE AND A FAMILY. I ALWAYS WANTED FROM A CHILD NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN OUT OF WED LOCK. UNFORTUNATELY, ON BIRTH CONTROL IT HAPPENED (NO SEX IS THE SAFEST SEX). I WAS SMART ENOUGH TO NOT ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN FOR MANY REASONS. IN SOME CASES CHILDREN CAN SET YOU BACK AND THEY CAN ALSO SAVE YOUR LIFE. WHEN YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS THAT YOU ARE NOT ABLE TO DO THAT COULD HURT YOU. HOWEVER, I THINK YOU SHOULD VENTURE OUT AND ENJOY AS MUCH OF THE SINGLE LIFE AS YOU CAN, SO, WHEN YOU DO SETTLE DOWN, GET MARRIED AND HAVE CHILDREN YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY LIVED A LITTLE. STAY PRAYED UP AND KEEP THE FAITH GOD WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART IN HIS TIMING.

HAVE A BLESSD DAY OR EVENING!
Comment by Choqlet Aries on March 24, 2010 at 12:52pm
Love what you said Denise. Thanks. My reasons for wanting a man without kids are:

1) I don't have any. This is something special that I want to share with that special man, my husband. Bringing a life into the world is special and I just desire someone who had me in mind as someone special when they were building their lives -- as they were on my mind.

2) I went to college, studied abroad, and now desire to travel and share these experiences with my partner...it's hard to travel internationally or do anything when you have kids, especially on child support.

3) Most, if not ALL, of my female friends missed out on their teens and 20s because they had kids early....there weren't any Cancun and Vegas trips for spring break or anything the "other" kids were doing, nor were there college trips or even college enrollment......so from a young age, I learned having kids can slow your life down or get in the way. Not saying that galavanting across the globe is soooo important, but I do believe in experiencing the world and enjoying life while you're single and young -- I'm glad I had (and still have) that opportunity. But, it's a lot cheaper to travel double occupancy. ;-)

Overall, I AGREE and I'm with you on "God gives us what we need," and that has been the struggle all along. But, God knows I don't need any kids right now. lol. AND, he knows the desires of my heart. I have a relationship with God and that's why I sometimes get angry because I'm like, "Lord, didn't you catch that prayer? No men with children!...anything else can be wrong with them (except some disease), but no children!" lol. Denise, you have to find some humor in this and I'm lovin' our correspondence...LOL! I'm just having a hard time believing that God would give me something that makes me beyond unhappy, especially since I don't know if I even want kids, myself. I don't LOOOVE kids, but I like kids. For some strange reason, they love me.... :-)

Believe it or not, this is helping me explore my feelings (I'm new to iseecolor) :-) But, do you feel those are wrong reasons?
Comment by Denise Woodard on March 23, 2010 at 3:41pm
YES, YES, YES I AM NOT SMILING I'M LOL!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE I WAS SEARCHING TOO. FOR THE WRONG REASONS, IN THE WRONG PLACES AND WITH THE WRONG BELIEF. AS YOU GROW OLDER AND CLOSER TO GOD YOU WILL REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU WANT MAY NOT BE WHAT HE HAS FOR YOU. HE GIVES US WHAT WE NEED AND DON'T BE SURPRISED,IF, HE SENDS YOU A MAN WITH CHILDREN THAT YOU WILL LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY AND HE WILL LOVE YOU BACK. THE MAIN THING IS TO WAIT ON GOD AND LET HIM GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES. WHEN IT'S FROM HIM IT WILL BE EVERLASTING. AS LONG AS YOU TRY TO MAKE THE CHOICE IT WILL NEVER WORK. IT TOOK A LONG TIME FOR ME TO BELIEVE AND EXCEPT THAT!

HAVE A BLESSED DAY!
Comment by Choqlet Aries on March 23, 2010 at 1:33pm
I totally agree and as a woman, there is no doubt that your package is straight. ;-) It's these baby daddies that really need the talking to because I don't approach them, they approach me. I've been searching and searching....filtering search engines and all. I have searched for men without children and that is why I decided to write this blog because I am starting to believe childless single MEN do not exist, I live in D.C., maybe I need to move?! lol. I do not want to knock men w/children....but from the reasons I gave in my blog, unfortunately, I am turned off. Maybe my views will change as I get older (I'll be 30 next month). *smile*
Comment by Denise Woodard on March 20, 2010 at 2:16pm
FIRST OFF MY PACKAGE IS STRAIGHT. MY CHILD IS GROWN AND I AM STABLE FINANCIALLY THIS DOES NOT STOP ME FROM DEALING CURRENTLY WITH A MAN WHO HAS CHILDREN. I MUST ADMIT THAT I KIND OF SWAYED FROM YOUR POINT AND A LOT OF WHAT YOU ARE SAYING AS I RE-READ IT IS TRUE AND I TOTALLY AGREE. HOWEVER, I WAS REFERING TO PEOPLE WHO HAVE CHILDREN DEVELOPING A RELATIONSHIP THE CHILD SHOULD BE EXCEPTED WITH THE RELATIONSHIP WHICH IS A PACKAGE DEAL. I GUESS MY THOUGHTS WENT BACK TO FRIDAY WHEN A WOMEN TOLD ME THAT HER BOYFRIEND LEFT HER BECAUSE SHE WOULD NOT PUT HIM BEFORE HER DAUGHTER AND GRANDSON I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD BE TREATED EQUAL. IF, YOU DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH CHILDREN THEN SEARCH FOR PEOPLE WITHOUT THEM
Comment by Choqlet Aries on March 20, 2010 at 8:12am
Thank you for your comments and I respect both views. However, the question I will pose is, "why have so many people become "package deals?" Unless you are a twin, you were born alone...per some individuals' religious faith, "A man who findeth a wife findeth a good thing" or "A man shall leave his mother and father and be joined with his wife." So, when finding your soul-mate, where did all of these other people come from? The soul-ties? Baby Mama/Daddy Drama? That's my entire point.

Many men AND women WITH CHILDREN do not concern themselves with other parents, but instead, some hunt out childless singles so that they can cater to them. Many of these men (bady daddies) do not have a coin to their name or better yet a JOB, but they will approach and attempt to date women who have their s*** together. However, If the woman turns the guy down or does not want to date him because he cannot not do for her as she can do for him, the first thing these brothas say is, "Well, you must can't deal with a man with kids, my child comes first, and I have to make sure they are straight." BUT on the flip side, these same men want the childless single to take care them while they take care of their child. That is not fair and why should this people accepted? We are not your unemployment or adult support check. If the child is the package deal, then men and women need to have their s*** together on every side, especially their finances and approach to time management, before dating anyone. Make sure your package is STRAIGHT!

The point is, childless singles are tired of hearing people use their kids as excuses for why they can't do what they are supposed to do in a relationship. If you can't multi-task or be there for anyone other than your kids, don't date anyone....especially not a childless single.
Comment by Denise Woodard on March 20, 2010 at 12:49am
PEOPLE WHO INVOLVE THEMSELVES OR MEET PEOPLE WITH CHILDREN SHOULD REMEMBER THAT WHEN YOU EXCEPT SOMEONE YOU EXCEPT THE THINGS THEY COME WITH (ONLY THE GOOD). WHEN ENTERING A RELATIONSHIP WITH CHILDREN INVOLVED IT'S A PACKAGE DEAL. IF, YOU EXCEPT THE PERSON FOR A RELATIONSHIP THEN YOU SHOULD EXCEPT THE CHILDREN THAT COME WITH IT.
Comment by Brian Franklin on March 19, 2010 at 5:40pm
Wow you said a mouth full. You make a lot of good points. As a step parent I am shocked at how people just assume that everyone wants to just step up and be a step parent. Most people do not realize just how much work is required in these relationships. It takes years for the kids to accept the new parent and some never do so. I see people deciding to have a child before they have done anything together except have sex. Having a child is a life changing decision. If you think everyone will love your child just remember how you felt about your children before you had one. I don't mean to be so negative and I love the my family but I want people do realize that being a step parent is not for most people and it is not easy. There are wonderful moments and some not so wonderful moments. I will tell anyone, have a life before you have kids, date, travel, get educated, get a job, be selfish because when the kid comes what you want takes a back seat. (Don't expect a person who did not have a part in the original decision to be willing to help pay for your decision) Take your time. And single people enjoy being single


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