I know this is something that happens with men but it baffles the hell out of me....I've been in a relationship for a few months, almost one year. The man is question is great, single, no children, educated, property owner, Christian and great in bed.....I'm crazy about him. But, just as it seems when we are getting closer, daily multiple phone calls, visits, long conversations, etc...etc.... he pulls away. The phone calls stops, the visits become fewer and the etc..becomes less frequent. Then after a few weeks, it starts up all over again.

Is this normal?

Is he afraid of committment? Does he think this is too good to be true? Before this man, I had not been in a long term relationship for a good while....In fact, I was abstinent and concentrating solely on rasing my son....So maybe I am a little out of touch....Is this how a relationship suppose to go?

Since this relationship has started, I've learned to get busy with my life, especially when he pulls away like that. I give him his space and I try my best to fill my time and space with work and living my life....

But again I ask...Is this normal?

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Very good question....I too have wondered about this myself. Sometimes I think it could be a man's way of testing a woman to see if she truly loves and/or cares about him as much as she says she does. Maybe he thinks, "Ok, I'm going to give her a little space from time to time or distance myself from her and if she really loves me, she'll be there for me when I come back." Have you asked him why he distances himself like that?
Lylybutiful,
I think you already know the answer to that question? However, here's the money question. What are you prepared to do now? How does it make you feel when he "pulls away"? And I don't get a vibe from you that you would be shy about asking for an explanation the first time he did it. Your omission of a recap concerning that particular conversation tells me you didn't like his answer or non response. I personally, do not subscribe to "space" or "needing space" when in a relationship. I think it's a ridiculous notion.

By admission you've been in relationships before. Did you experience that then? How would you have handled this situation at the time? What makes this relationship different? or What about this relationship allows you to be accommodating this time?
Phenominal....

You asked:

"By admission you've been in relationships before. Did you experience that then? How would you have handled this situation at the time? What makes this relationship different? or What about this relationship allows you to be accommodating this time?"

To answer your question, no, I have not experienced this before and if I had I would have been a little more prepared for the behavior. What makes this relationship different is that I am falling in love with this man. I've known this man for a very long time... I don't feel as if he being "disrepected" as I don't feel as if he is seeing other people or playing the field.... and he has assured me that other women was not the case. I did ask....because of that , I don't feel as if I am accomodating him. I do know that he has been hurt in the past (I've been hurt too) and he is a little cautious about moving too fast into another relationship.

The frustrating part is that when things are going so well and I am all ready to move it to another level, he pulls away. I am not sure if this is his way of keeping the momentum down or if he is just afraid of getting too close too fast.
I've heard this described as the whole "Rubber Band" effect. In other words, this is a normal cycle of a man. (supposedly) and they say if you let him pull away and get the space he needs, (without questioning and without chasing and without becoming angry) then he will bounce back to you on his own. And the whole thing repeats itself. And each time he comes back, things are stronger and the two of you feel even closer. Now the only thing I don't know, is if this is legitmate or if it's just a bunch of bull and should be a red flag???
Just a bunch of Bull. Men gravitate to those things that they like.
Thanks for your reply....

I've heard that theory before and I must admit, that each time we have gotten "it" back together, we have become a little bit closer. I'm not sure if it is a trust issue that he is dealing with or what.....

I guess I am so nervous because as I stated earlier, I could really love this man, and I've been really hurt before. Therefore I am not trying to repeat history.

Maybe I'm being a little too paranoid.....
Well said...
Well said Jazz. Lvlybutiful, Jazzi's response is what I meant by my opening question. "What are you prepared to do now?" I just don't feel it would be fair to put yourself second. By allowing his behavior to continue unchallenged you are in deed accommodating him. His having been hurt before while tragic is a commonality between the two of you. However, his using that fact as an excuse to be "cautious" is a bunch of crock. Don't let him off the hook by buying in to it. Let him sell that subscription to someone else. If he's not ready to be in a real relationship with someone that wants something tangible(i.e., you) then he should leave you be and go work on that.

See, he's telling you everything you want to hear. He's being that perfect man based on his personal and intimate knowledge of you. He and your son probably get along famously. You don't argue. And then one day; he's pulled up and he's in the wind for a minute. Then he returns and picks up where he left off. It's not fair to you. It's actually quite selfish but, a brilliantly worked plan. If he does it right when he leaves there's no tension so it's not awkward on his re-entry.

jazzi08 said:
I agree with Phenominal...You already know the answer. Point in fact- If a man really loves you and really wants to be with just you, YOU will know. There is no Pulling Back there is no On and Off. We as women put way to much thought into relationships that we know is not working. If you are expressing your thoughts and feeling to him and he fully understands what you want and he does not reciprocate, then you need to pull the self respect card out and stare it straight in the face and do what is right for you. And...STOP giving away the cookies...Keep your cookies to yourself, cause he is not going to make any life changes based on your cookies (no matter how good he says it is). Obviously this is someone that you really care about, so you just need to put things in it's proper perspective. He should not be at fault, you just need to learn from your mistakes and Always Put Yourself First! lvlybutiful said:
Thanks for your reply....

I've heard that theory before and I must admit, that each time we have gotten "it" back together, we have become a little bit closer. I'm not sure if it is a trust issue that he is dealing with or what..... I guess I am so nervous because as I stated earlier, I could really love this man, and I've been really hurt before. Therefore I am not trying to repeat history. Maybe I'm being a little too paranoid.....
Wow...

You guys have given me a lot to think about. As of recent, he hasn't pulled away again....yet. And as stated earlier, we have actually gotten a little closer since the last time he "pulled away" but this pattern has gotten a little really frustrating. Actually, the last time he pulled away, I was not going to give up the "cookies" but he got to me....as he always has in the past.

We have been great friends over the years and I would hate to believe this is just another brother trying to get over. I thought we were more than that....I guess I have a lot to think about and some decisions to make.

Thanks for the input....
lvlybutiful, I am so glad you asked this very question. I am going through something very similar and have recently decided that it's me that need to make the hard decision to move on totally and completely. Allowing someone to come in and out of my life like that isn't healthy. You start making excusing for them and for yourself. At least thats how I feel about it all. If the man really cares about you as much as he proclaims then I think we wouldn't have to question anything. I was told that if a man wants you he will walk 5 miles to see you if he had to. I believe that is true. I think I am more valuable than trying to be that patient. That's what I was telling my self. He was hurt I had been hurt so just be patient. Things go good we get closer and he backs off.....umm NO. I have come to the conclusion that if its that good he will come after it. If not than I will have already got on with my life. I want to be in love with someone who wants to love me.
I agree 100%. Im going through a similiar situation, but I've come to the conclusion that MEN do what they want to do anyway. If he really cares, his actions will display how he feels, regardless of what he tells you. I'm in love with this person, but he is not willing to meet me half the way. He says he is, but ofcours he does not. So I've decided to LET IT GO. I will no longer hope and wish for something that may never happen. I love him, but I will not be emotionally abuse by no man! When I say emotionally abuse, I mean the dropping in and out of your life.
Wow, I'm experiencing this right now. Almost a year of being on a roller coster. This brotha has great potential. Now he's talking about moving back to SC. I have most been involved with anyone else and all he does is throw out confusing signals.

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