Hello MHW, most of you don't know me accept for Charlee(hi Charlee!). I don't get on often but I would like some advice please.
My daughter is 5, a true princess at least that's what her dad calls her. The thing is, he's a front daddy. He talks all that princess I love you stuff to her face and let her down with almost everything else.
She asks for things and he don't get it or if he does its months after he promised. Usually, by then I've already gotten it. For Christmas, she asked for #2 things from him totaling $80. While I took responsibility and got the $500 jeep she wanted. She got one Xmas present in March and the other in April.
He does not pay childsupport because I felt like he was trying but as soon as I move and settle down in my new place I will take the necessary steps. Because I am sick and tired of his half-stepping and let downs. He has not attended (1) one birthday party. He has not been there for (1) Xmas. He does not help me financially and now he's beginning to not show up for things she ask him to like, 'her graduation from pre-k' that is what REALLY upset me. Because she called him personally and he said he would be there and at the last minute said he had to report to his probation officer that day (typical of him). I had to do damage control by calling as many family members out as possible and bombarding her with flowers, gifts etc so she wouldn't be affected. It worked but she said she didn't want to ever go over his house again. I called him and explained how he hurt her and how tired I was of him half-stepping and fronting when he sees her like she's a trophy or a toy. I told him I had been very understanding and chill on his slacking but now he was missing important functions and I didn't want her hurt.
The disagreement got intense and then he said something that to many would be unforgivable though I'm praying for strength. He said, "If you had aborted her we wouldn't be having this problem now would we?"
Now, he never said this before or even suggested I aborted her so I feel he was showing out for his girlfriend by insinuating our child was a mistake and he didn't want her. It took me weeks to shake that one off. So I decided to just go on about my business. Raise our daughter on my own and not have anything else to do with him and just let the courts handle his part as for as financial. But after almost 2 months, my daughter is asking to see him. Uuuggghhhh!!!! How do I even 'consider' letting her go around his fake ass knowing what he said? Its not like she's 5 days or 5 weeks old, if he felt like he would have rather I aborted her he had 5 years to bond with her and accept and love her!
I feel like I will be taking my daughter around a fake ass loser that will front in front of her when he talks about her behind her back about how he don't really want her. Besides, she said she didn't like being there cause she didn't feel like his girl and her kids was her family. But kids are so forgiven and forgetful sometimes.
So what should I do? Allow her to go around this jerk? Or keep her from him? Hoping that she will forget about him and when she's old enough to understand re-think the situation and how to deal with him? thanks in advance for your advice.
I would appreciate it if no one comes at me with the, "You had a baby by this loser so its your fault" shyt. I believe we women take the blame enough for deadbeat dads. thanks
LOL @ MzSankofa!
Would be me if it weren't an epic-length post!! LOL!! Just hope it was truly helpful!!
So sorry that your child has to go through such hurt and pain that she may never get over, but unfortunately u cannot change or control other people, only yourself.
From what you said he doesn't seem to want to be bothered anyway, so I don't bend over backwards trying only to have him constantly disappoint her.
Go to court and get your child support. Get his wages garnished or whatever u have to do so he has some responsibility because she is his child.
Communicate with him however u deem necessary; whether phone or email or text or whatever and allow her to call him and try to talk to him and see him. Thats about all you can do. Leave the ball in his court and if he is a no show then it is what it is and if hecontinues to make empty promises unfortunately there is nothing u can do. Realistically you cannot make anyone be a good parent if they choose not to be.
Try to find a child psychologist to have a consultation with or a social worker to consult with or some type of single mom support group to help you effectively explain the situation to your daughter. The purpose of talking to her is to be honest so she doesn't feel like ur hiding anything, and let her know that her dad may be too busy to see her and spend time with her as much as she wants him to. Remind her that your there and hopefully your family is as well. Explain to her that u, nor she can control her dad and make him come around. Let her know that he loves her, but he just cannot always give her what she wants when she wants it. Again find a professional to help you find the words to convey this message to her so she is not constantly disappointed and hurt and heartbroken.
Try to find a good positive male role model who is willing to spend time with her and give her the time, attention and love her dad does. Get to know her teachers and talk to her school or daycare about anyone they may know of. Talk to the parents of other kids that she plays with and knows and see if they know of any good male role models to spend some time with her.
Don't stress yourself over her dad because it will only stress her. Don't make excuses for how badly he treats her, but again find a way to explain his behavior in a way that she understands so she won't be too disappointed.
Start recording phone conversations that u have with him on ur cell phone and save every text and email. You can use these in court if and when u need them. Start rallying a good, strong support system for yourself also, because u will need it.
I'm not going to come at u with the "u had a baby by a loser so it's your fault." I will say this though; I hope you have learned from this situation with this man and do not repeat this with the next man you may get involved with.
I know sometimes u can get sidetracked and fairly easily led astray and duped by men, but try to never ever have another child with a man who may not want one and/or may not want one with you. You don't want to put another child through this so be careful.
Good luck and God Bless
Miss J, no worries about anymore kids. After having 2, i figured I just couldn't get it right and they're 10 years apart! So even though it would have been nice to have a 3rd. I'm in my 40's now and made sure I could never go through this again, neither intentionally or accidentally!
Thats good V Lyric.....stay strong and stay prayed up lady....everything will work out for you in the end.
Your daughters father will reap what he has sown.
I hate to be the one to say it but... Someone like that guy is likely to do MORE DAMAGE to a child than good. Of course anyone can change their evil ways but as he (chooses) to be now, he will continue to give your daughter more bad and crippling memories.
I'm NOT a fan of allowing someone to lead my child down the road to having self esteem issues simply because they donated some sperm. Hopefully he can find a way to become a decent human being, but until then I couldn't allow him to have access to my child. No phone calls, no visits, no broken promises, and no bullshyt daddy.
Too many broken down punk ass fathers breaking down a helpless child's self esteem and leaving the well intending mother to pick up the pieces.
Good points Blk.
You know what Blk,...I feel you sooo much!!! You see that's exactly how I was thinking but listening to everyone else advice, even my own friend's...I felt as though I was being unreasonable and too hard, and not thinking about my daughter. I am so glad you brought a different perspective to this thread. I did decide on NO VISITS of any kind. I don't need his negative energy in my home and after my daughter last visit to him, she said he whipped her and I still haven't gotten a straight answer as to why she was whipped. He said she wasn't allowed to go in certain areas of the house but didn't say why. My daughter is so smart at 5 she just said daddy whipped her and she didn't feel like those people was her family. If she's not to roam freely around the house I can understand why she would feel like its not her home. I will however, allow her to talk to him. I know he won't call her because of his pride and his determination to please his girlfriend. But if she keeps asking (which I pray she doesn't) but if she does I will attempt to call him for her. Thing is, I only have his girlfriend's number and 9X10 she won't answer it. But I feel you Blk. Tired of this s***. I'd rather just get it on my own and know I got to do it, then to depend on him for anything. Even when it comes to telling her he loves her. Because I'm mama! And as long as God is willing, she'll get all her hugs and kisses and I love you's, from ME.
I hear you V Lyric, YOU HAVE TO PROTECT YOUR CHILD FROM THE NONSENSE. I would rather explain to my child why I protected her from her trifflin daddy, than to see my child having self esteem issues from being continually let down, lied to, and mistreated from someone that was "supposed" to Love and value her.
When she's old enough and strong enough to handle things better, I would re-visit the issue but at 5 years old.. Hells NO, There is no way I would submit my child to something like that. Hopefully there are men in your support circle (Uncles etc) that will give your daughter a better foundation of how a father figure should treat her. The interaction between young girls and the father figure has a LOT to do with how a grown woman develops her self esteem. The LAST thing you want is your daughter blaming "herself" for how her father mistreats her.
I'll always love my children!!!