Let me start off from the begining. We have been married for 17 years and togegther 19 and have four kids 18, 16, 14 and twelve, two of each.I have always loved her and knew she was the one for me from our first date. She was in a bad relationship when we met and had a great personality and really friendly to everyone. The more time we spent together the more we fell in love.I enjoyed every minute with her and wanted to marry her. We were young 19 and 20 but had such a connection.but there was a proolem from the start. I was jealous of her friendliness and feared losing the love of my life. I started accusing and mistrusting her. I knew it was all about me but I was afraid of losing her. This continued up to marriage and beyond to this point.I hav e recently been diagnosed as bi-polar after having issues of anger rage and depression for over 26 years.
This condition caused many issues for her with me because the fear and depression got in the way of showing my love to her.it caused trust issues and then accusations and anger which always turns ugly. About 8 years ago I lost control and got the feeling I made the wrong choice in her. Ne reason really except someone showed interest in me and persued me. The more she tried the more I liked it. It was an emotional affair that went on for months. Then it started to get way to serious and I went and found another woman that made me feel special. Emotional only and it ended up like the first. Then I did it again and the same results. It was over a year of this that in each one I spent less time at home and by the last one I was rarely home. She stayed and waited loving me and hoping I would wake up and we fought but I stayed away to feel good. it finally hit me that I had always had who and what I needed at home so I returned and we never dealt with it, we just picked up and moved on. During this time she started searching for attention online and found it many times. This continued after I came back and we were moving forward. I would get upset and it would stop. But everytime things got tough or she thought about what I had done it happened again and again. Eventually it became someone at work giving her what she wanted from me. I found out and it soon ended. Then we never dealt with that. Eventually we started working together and discussing current issues to resolve them, but my trust issues and hers still stayed at the surface.
Well to fastforward to 6 months ago she meet a client where she worked and he was showing her what I should have been and she came to me. Not to tell me about it but trying to find out how I felt for her and asking for what she needed. Well I never really listened to her and assumed we were good and she knew I loved her. See I don't show love and caring emotions well, but fear anger and nasty comes out always. I didn't listen and 3 months later her behavior patterns were way off. I found out and lost it. She came and tried to tell me again and this time I actually listened and heard her. But as always manic anger betryal and hurt overpowered the love I have. It drove her closer to him and it became physical as well. Fast forwarding again I have since seen them together and confronted them and it got ugly.
So for the last 2 months it has been hell. We tried but doubts for me and feelings for her kept messing it up. I have put our business out to family and friends and said and done some really hurtful things. She now says we are through and she can't forgive what I have done and she regrets what happened.she still sees him and talks to him all the time while we just live here in tension. She says that she can't be with him because our kids will hate her and him for breakin us up. She has been intimate with me several times up to last friday. She says if he left tomorrow and never spoke to her again it would not be a big deal because its not about him anymore but he listens and supports her decisions.
Please help me! I see things and hear things that show she loves me when we are getting along. My bi polar is an issure as well as not hearing her needs and showing respect and love. I want the love to overpower the anger and fear, but she can't trust my words and every time I start she gives and starts to try cautiously and the fear and anger take over and she is gone again. My resolution is to hear her like I have for the last few months and respect and love her everyday and our kids too. She is still living here and I want to fix this but she has asked for divorce and I started it, but when I told her she was shocked. I want to be better and show her and I know it will take time for trust but is it too late? She seems like she wants to see it from me but I don't know if its too late. Any advice or input is appreciated. I still love her with all my heart after all this and think because she is here there is a chance. After all the better I treat her the more she stays close to me and home. Please help me figure this out.